Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Late Night Thoughts

I don't know about everyone else out there in bloggerland but we have been getting insane amounts of rain lately.  If this keeps up I am going to need Noah's Arc!  The storms that have been rolling through have been very intense and just downright scary.  Last night was no different.  Around midnight I woke up to a torrential downpour and constant claps of thunder which left me lying in bed praying that God would keep us safe, that no trees would fall and that our sump pump would keep up with the rain.  As I laid in bed listening to the thunderstorm, worrying, I got to thinking- I used to LOVE thunderstorms as a child! What the heck changed?!

My answer: An understanding of mortality.  

As children we don't really have a firm understanding of life and death.  We do things without giving it a second thought, not even worrying once about the repercussions.  We think that we are invincible! Example: when I was little I would take the swings off of the swing set.  I would climb up to the top and hang from the bar and attempt to do a 'cherry bomb' off the top (cherry bomb is when you swing by your legs and do a back flip off the bar).  After the combination of falling a couple times and about giving my poor mother a heart attack I was enrolled in gymnastics to learn how to properly tumble and do flips.  I never once gave it a thought that I could get hurt.  I just viewed it as something fun to try. 

When I was little I loved to fly especially when there was lots of turbulence, go on roller coasters, go fast in cars, create ramps to roller blade off of, etc.  I LOVED storms, the louder and crazier they were the happier I was.  I would get my best sleep at night during a good storm.  I never once worried about the devastation that a storm could cause.

With age came a better understanding of life and death and a respect for how precious life truly is.  I no longer think that I am invincible.  In fact, sometimes I think the complete opposite.  Last nights storm had me worrying about, 'what if a tornado hit', 'what if a tree fell on our house', 'what if', 'what if', 'what if'.  On our drive home from Florida over the weekend we passed a terrible accident and immediately I was thinking, 'what if that had been us', 'what if we had left 15 minutes earlier'.  I tend to think 'what if' a lot.  

As all these thoughts raced through my mind I thought I was going to lose my mind.  As crazy as it sounds I think I worry because I feel like I have a lot to potentially lose.  In my eyes I have a wonderful life- a loving husband, an amazing family, two great dogs, health, a gorgeous house, a stable job, and eventually want to raise a family.  Hubs and I are truly blessed with all that we have but occasionally it leaves me worrying about what could be taken away.

After playing psychiatrist for about half an hour I finally realized that I was being ridiculous.  I cannot go through life worrying about the 'what ifs', I will drive myself nuts!  Many of the things that I worry about are so minor when looking at the big picture (ie- basement flooding, losing power, etc.).  So I did what I should have done in the beginning, I prayed.  I prayed that God would watch over us and protect us.  I prayed that He would give me inner peace and strength to trust in His plan.  It may sound corny but I truly did feel calmer after praying.  My heart was no longer racing and I no longer had 'what ifs' racing through my mind.    

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday! Hopefully a drier Tuesday! :-)

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Sarah Ann said...

Hope your day gets drier. We've had a small amount of rain - but mostly it's just been REALLY hot!

Chocolate Lover said...

I become like that too at times, worrying myself silly. Like you its because I feel so blessed with what I have that I worry about losing it :)

Mrs. Hesson said...

Lucky! I wish we've gotten rain we've had so much hot weather it's almost unbearable. Our yard needs the rain. Ha!

And I can totally relate with your post. It's hard NOT to worry, sometimes. I'm such a worrier at heart. I could worry myself sick, but I've just learned to try to cope with it in different ways or else I would go crazy! Try to always think on the bright side. God is in control. :)

Jenn said...

I can relate.. I constantly think "what if" I am the most cautious person ever.. My brother got in an accident in 2003, we lost him 5 times within a couple months but he is my little miracle and is alive :) but It has me a wreck of what if's now.. I llike your last paragraph on here.. I need to re-think things and try to start living a little

Ams said...

I hope the rain STOPS!!!
I am SO SO SO like you... I constantly think about how blessed I am and how much I actually have to lose. It's a gross feeling :( But we just have to have faith that there's a greater plan out there right?

THE Stephanie said...

I do the same thing - WAY Too much! It's pretty morbid, but sometimes I catch myself worrying about my life if someone I loved passed away.

"Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself."

Kassie said...

I get like that sometimes too. Great post, I needed to read it! :)